


Say You Want Me (Out Of Your Life)

by Just A Couple Of Death Priests (WalkOnThroughARedParade)



Series: Life Lessons [9]
Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game)
Genre: Go hard or go home I guess, Hence the lack of official Archive tag, Kissing, M/M, mentioned non-con, oh well, very slight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-06
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-07-07 19:06:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15914430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WalkOnThroughARedParade/pseuds/Just%20A%20Couple%20Of%20Death%20Priests
Summary: What if Talon hadn't wanted Tris to kiss him?What if after all this time, Tris had misread every affectionate touch and look? What if Talon only wanted to be his friend?Alternatively: In Which Gays Try (And Sort Of Succeed?) To Get Their Shit Together





	Say You Want Me (Out Of Your Life)

Tris curled his fingers in Talon’s armor at his shoulders, clutching at him tightly, his  _ why? _ echoing in his head; before he surged up on his toes to kiss him.

The elf froze beneath his hands, and Tris squeezed his eyes shut tightly, focusing on pressing their lips together, trying to make Talon understand every frustrating emotion roiling around in his chest through the clumsy but determined kiss; and Talon had barely started to respond, his lips parting and one hand just brushing Tris’ side, when it became too much, and Tris tore himself away, stumbling back away from him.

He took the barest moment to look at Talon, slack jawed and staring at him, hand lingering in the air where he'd gone to...to hold him? To push him away? Tris didn't know.

Before he turned and ran back toward the main square and the busier part of the festival, searching for his other friends and sprinting over to Xheska and the other girls when he saw them clustered around a stall.

“Hello, Tristan,” Mhèirì greeted him,  sounding amused, while Tris’ eyes locked on the apple on a stick that Quick Branch was valiantly chewing through.

“Hi. I just kissed Talon. Can I have one of those?” 

The reaction was mixed, and Tris barely heard it, accepting the half finished apple Quick Branch offered him,  and then the fresh one Mhèirì bought him, and focussing instead on chewing through the sweet coating of each to get at the fruit itself.

He was going to drive himself mad with the thoughts warring in his head, with his over analysis of the kiss, and Talon’s reaction, and every conversation they'd had in their lives up to this point.

What if Talon hadn't wanted Tris to kiss him? 

What if after all this time, Tris had misread every affectionate touch and look? What if Talon only wanted to be his friend?

Then, surely, he was allowed to look at Confar Seeth as much as he pleased. Perhaps he'd hold  _ his _ hand, and call  _ him _ soft Elvish words he didn't understand. They could do all the nice, warm things Tris had liked so much when Talon had done them with him, and then they could kiss and have sex too, and Tris…

Tris would…

The thoughts refused to go away.

Tris gnawed with more determination at his apple, clutching at the stick with both hands in an effort to hide how his fingers trembled. He missed the look the girls exchanged over his head, sucking at his teeth and the caramel clinging to them, and when he spotted Talon through the crowd made a conscious attempt to avoid looking him in the face.

If Talon didn't want Tris in that way, and instead decided to go do... _ things _ with the blacksmith, then fine.

Tris could find someone else he wanted to kiss. There were  _ plenty _ of people out there he might eventually like enough to want to kiss them, even without going to the trouble of bringing them back from the dead. If Talon could like other people so could Tris.

He left what was left of his apple beside the dwarves game, the fruit turned practically to ash on his tongue.

~

Tris wrapped his arms around his legs where they were tugged up to his chest, and tried, desperately, to keep everything building in the back of his throat tamped down.

He wanted to scream. He wanted to scream for minutes and hours and  _ days _ , until his chest stopped hurting and his mouth stopped feeling like it belonged to someone else, raw and sensitive with the memory of a kiss he’d not wanted. He wanted to rebuild  _ Lord Jeramiah’s _ house so he could burn it down itself, and make doubly sure every painting the incubus had had done of him was nothing but ash, and would never be seen by anyone.

He never wanted to see that dress again.

He never wanted to look into the faces of his friends again, and see the pity he knew would live in their eyes now.

_ Why did he do that to me? _

“Tris…” Talon’s voice made him jump, a little, and he kept his face buried in his knees, hugged himself harder; and fought the urge to flinch when he felt the hand settle gently on the back of his neck.

Talon was real, this time. He was the real, actual Talon; the elf Tris had kissed, the one he  _ wanted _ to kiss him. The incubus who had masqueraded as him was gone, and Tris would know better than to be lured away from his friends again.

Knowing things didn’t make the quiet, instinctive fear and mistrust go away, though. Not for a little while.

He heard Talon sigh, before the elf wrapped his arms around him carefully, the hug awkward but warm as he held onto Tris, doing his best to comfort him.

“It’s over, okay llathanyl? He can’t hurt you any more. We won’t let anyone take you again.” The ‘we’ only made everything worse, and absurdly, ridiculously, it hurt that Talon didn’t understand. That he thought it was fear of what  _ could  _ happen to Tris, and not agony over what had already been  _ done _ to him, that had him retreating into himself now.

Talon, of course, had no way of knowing that. But it still hurt.

Tris chose the easiest of the things hurting him to voice aloud.

“It’s okay, Talon. You don’t have to pretend that you want me. I don’t mind.” Dumb, burning tears escaped the corners of his eyes, and he scrubbed them away angrily; and noticed, belatedly, that Talon had gone very still, grip loosening ever so slightly.

When Tris looked up at him there was blank, agonised shock spread across his face, and his mouth opened and closed several times before he finally managed to speak.

“I- what? Tris, you-  _ what? _ ”

Tris recoiled, a little, and frowned, dropping his eyes and picking at a loose thread in the knee of his trousers.

“I...I don’t know a lot, about feelings, but I’m sure it was easier to pretend you might return mind before, when I wasn’t….before I was...w-when I came with less  _ baggage _ , I guess. So it’s alright. You don’t have to keep pretending, now it’s harder. I don’t mind, not really; I...I guess I should have been prepared for you not to feel the same way about me, but it’s fine.” He sank his teeth into his bottom lip, more tears welling up behind his eyes, reminding him that it very much was  _ not _ fine; and Talon made a soft, spluttering noise, sitting very heavily back on his ass and staring back at Tris.

“You want to do this  _ now _ ? We literally just got back from the fucking  _ Abyss _ , and you want to have  _ this talk _ ,  _ now _ ?”

Tris recoiled at the harsh tone, mouth trembling, and watched Talon’s expression falter before he reached for him again; and resisted the impulse to reach for him in return, or lean into his touch when he cupped Tris’ cheek in one hand.

“I didn’t- I didn’t mean it like that, I’m not mad at you. The only person I  _ can _ be mad at is very dead, thanks to M’Baku, so I- I’m not mad. I just... _ fuck _ , Tris.” He pushed his free hand back through his hair; and Tris studied him, feeling several different kinds of miserable, preparing himself to be properly rejected.

Talon sucked in a deep breath, before squaring his shoulders and turning back to Tris, expression determined; before he took his face in both hands.

“Of course I want you, Tris. I’ve wanted you in all the embarrassing physical ways Mhèirì would kick my ass for saying to you out loud since the first day we met; but I have wanted  _ you _ , all of you, sappy romance shit included, every since getting to know you. You are more than anyone could consciously want, Tris, you’re- you’re perfect. You are  _ perfect _ , and of course I fucking  _ want you _ , but I also definitely do not  _ deserve you _ .”

There was something in Talon’s eyes that was desperate, almost unhinged; and Tris stared back at him, mouth still aching, processing everything Talon had just said to him.

“Isn’t it my choice if you deserve me or not?” He asked, the question mostly rhetorical, quiet and wavering in the air between them. Talon stared back at him, startled; and Tris set his hands over the elf’s, keeping them firm on his cheeks, holding his eyes as something finally managed to break through the haze of upset and embarrassment at everything that had happened to him.

_ Irritation _ .

“I still don’t know how long we were in the Abyss. I don’t know how long I was charmed; but I know that my ability to choose, to decide what I do and who is allowed to look at me or  _ touch me _ was taken. He kissed me without my permission and then took my ability to even give or withhold permission by locking me inside my own head. I d-don’t even know everything he did to me, Talon. I doubt I’ll ever know.” Saying it aloud made the emotions worse, and Tris felt the tears escape his eyes even as he blinked furiously in an attempt to stop them; but he kept hold of Talon, and kept going, holding his eyes, voice growing sharper. “But now that I am free, and back to myself,  _ you _ want to take my choice from me. You want to decide what I do and do not deserve, by yourself, without my even getting a say.”

They were not the same thing, and Tris knew that, somewhere, deep in his chest; but he could apologise later.

Talon, stubborn thing that he was, would never have this conversation again. He would shut the door on both of their feelings, would wash his hands of the entire situation, and Tris would never again get the chance to tell him he loved him.

That was what the fortune teller had said, right? That Tris loved Talon. That that was why he got upset when Talon showed interest in other people. That was why Talon made him feel safe, and happy, and like he was more than capable of serving Them and doing what They asked of him.

Tris loved him.

And he wouldn’t let Talon close the door on that just because he had a tarnished view of his own self worth.

Tris let go of Talon’s hands, only to take his face instead, shuffling closer until their knees were touching and Talon had nowhere else to look.

“You deserve me if I say you do. And maybe some days I will decide that you don’t, because you can be terrible and stubborn and rude; but that will not stop me wanting you. And it will never mean you do not deserve to be  _ with me _ , Talon. Because I want you. And- and if you were telling the truth, a-and you want me in return, then I don’t understand why you would make me be without you.”

His hands were shaking, a little, even as he kept cradling Talon’s face, and for a prolonged moment Tris had never felt so fragile, so  _ utterly _ breakable; until Talon’s fingers sank into his hair, his other hand settling low on his spine, and he tugged Tris in against his chest, hugging him tightly.

“I’d never lie to you like that, Tris,” he murmured, quiet into the hair behind his ear. “I lie plenty, but not to you;  _ never  _ to you, and never about that.”

Tris tipped his head back so he could look Talon in the face, and leant into it when Talon stroked away the stick tear tracks on his cheek; before replying quietly.

“And you promised me you wouldn’t run again. You promised you’d trust me.”

Talon’s expression softened, the corners of his eyes creasing, and after a split second of hesitation Tris stretched up to kiss him, chaste but lingering.

Talon recovered much more quickly, this time, wrapping his arms more firmly around Tris and kissing him back firmly; and Tris felt the tension drain out of his spine, sank against the elf and allowed himself to be kissed until his lips were numb, and finally felt like they were  _ his _ again.

Talon pressed soft, wavering kisses to his cheeks, and over his closed eyes, before kissing his forehead and then murmuring against the skin.

“I promised to try. And I will. For you, llathanyl, I will.” Tris hummed, and nuzzled in against Talon’s throat, letting him ease him back into feeling safe and protected with his arms wrapped tightly around him.

“Which, of course, by no means suggests you’ll stop being melodramatic and sulky and insisting I’m too good for you.” Tris could feel Talon’s snort vibrate against his chest, and buried a grin in the side of his throat, snuggling even closer against him.

“You know me so well,” he muttered; and Tris’ smile softened, while he shut his eyes tightly.

The consequences of their brief trip to the Abyss were still there, like claws sunk into the very top of his spine, broke off the hand responsible for them but still embedded beneath his skin, and Tris could already feel the nightmares manifesting in the back of his mind, the moments he wouldn’t be able to look at Talon without being scared he isn’t really  _ him;  _ but he would not allow a dead incubus to take any more from him.

People had been taking things from Tris his whole life, from the moment he’d been abandoned on the steps of that orphanage when he was a baby. But that didn’t  _ make him _ .

The things that had been done to him were not his life, did not define who he was nor make his decisions for him. He was not a patchwork of every way he’d been hurt and abused over the course of his short, sad life.

He would not let approaching nightmares and receeding memories of heartache and pain stop him reaching for what he wanted; not least when what he  _ wanted _ was reaching back for him, as much a mess as Tris himself was but trying, anyway, because Tris had asked him to.

He smiled, hidden against Talon’s collarbones, when upon threading his fingers through those of the elf Talon squeezed his hand gently; and tipped his head back, silently requesting another kiss.

Comfort eased its way into his bones when Talon smiled down at him, and pressed their lips together softly.


End file.
